Paper #3 Rewrite

I chose to completely rewrite my paper. I took some examples from the original but for the most part I started out on a fresh slate. After rereading my paper I realized that it was fairly unorganized. The format was choppy and the ideas were brought back up randomly. There was no flow.
I decided to begin the paper by focusing on persuasive blogging. I talked about the specific techniques for this medium. Then I transitioned into talking about the tactics that are used in traditional persuasive essays. I weaved in a few examples to strengthen my points. Finally, I discussed the challenges to blogging for a cause and the benefits of blogs vs traditional formats.
I discussed more specific strategies this time and narrowed the content of my paper. I varied my sentence openers and focused on improved fluency in order create a better flow.

Filling the void...

I live a life that has been blessed by the grace of some being that I believe is greater than myself. I am fortunate to have been surrounded by wonderful people and great opportunities. I live in a world where anything is possible. The near perfection of my life and all that it encompasses is almost overwhelming at times. I have a beautiful, healthy daughter, a few good jobs, a supportive network of family and friends and the opportunity to obtain higher education. Lately however, I have felt as if something was lacking.

I felt as if there was a void that I needed to fill. Some desire that was not being met. Something outside of my daily activities. Something that would leave me feeling better about my contributions to society. I knew that void was one that once filled with my service to my community.


In high school I volunteered in several organizations doing anything from leading handicap children on horseback to organizing a blood drive to being a camp counselor for a week. Over 700 hours in all.

Since then I have slacked. "Life Happened"- as they say; really I just chose to prioritize things that I felt were more important at the time.

In late February my sister and I made a bet that neither of us would shave our heads for a fundraiser in our hometown. As I found out more about the fundraiser and its cause, my involvement grew. In a matter of days I was going to board meetings, setting up a benefit boot camp and shaving my head on live TV.


What started as a tribute to a family friend's bald son who had went through chemo and a bet with my sister; turned into my personal mission to fight for cure by shaving my head.

Nothing could have prepared me for the reactions that would follow. Most people just stare at my bald head and look aware in shame, as if I might be sick and they don't want to be caught staring.

But some people get it. I have had several survivors or family members of surviviors, or even those who did not survive cancer come to me and thank me for shaving my head. Tears fill their eyes as they share their stories with me. I feel like a part of something more for once. It has been without a doubt the second greatest thing I have ever done, the first- having my daughter.

And while I can't expect everyone to be able 'brave a shave'. You don't have to shave to be a hero. St. Baldrick's Foundation raises money for childhood cancer research. Only 3% of research money for cancer goes to childhood forms. Cancer is the #2 cause of death for children ages 1-15. 1 in 5 children diagnosed with cancer do not survive.


This experience as opened my eyes to the beauty and strength in the human spirit.I appreciate the small things in my life more now. I know I have to stay involved in my community and keep giving back. I hope you can find a cause that will bring you the same type of experience.

Baldwin Center

Walking into the Baldwin Center I really didn't know what to expect. I had volunteered in Pontiac before, but I had not heard of this organization. I was unaware of what services they offered and to whom they offered them to. Despite my lack of familiarity with the Center I was excited to be able to volunteer instead of sitting in a classroom.

Once our tour started, I realized that the Center offered a variety of services and was composed of several different buildings. I thought that their commitment to maintaining a grass roots volunteer organization while offering opportunities to develop and expand others' ideas was very intriguing. The organization allows for individuals or groups to be innovative in developing programs to fit the needs of their customers.

It was a very laid back environment. There seemed at times to be a lack of organization and professionalism, but I also feel that this environment may lend itself more readily to its volunteers. I was impressed to find that the Center currently offers almost 30 different services.

When I left I felt enlightened. I was grateful for the opportunity to volunteer and make an organizational effort in their clothes closet. While we were there my classmates and I joked about the 'stylish' clothes. When I left I couldn't help but pause and watch us all jump into our nice cars. I took a second to be thankful for not having to rely on those services and to be able to help those in need.

The Race

I was a senior in high school. A fairly active kid, I had tried track before. Running was not my 'thing'. They wanted me to throw shot put. I was a powerlifter, they wanted my strength. I wanted to run.

My coaches wanted my sole focus to be throwing. Beyond a one lap warm up they wanted me to save my efforts for 'the toss'. I liked throwing. But I envied the runners. I would run on my own after practice. As much as I hated the process, I loved the satisfaction that followed.

My coaches took notice but still did not want to put me in. Finally one day they gave me a shot. The meet was already won. They put me in as the final leg in the 4x400 race. One lap. It was my big shot.

With little time until the race we practiced our hand offs. I was taking the my friends place. She was the 2nd fastest 400 runner in our league. I would be running against the fastest but she had a weak group to follow. My team was strong. Our team was reigning league champs.

As I watched the first two girls run the pressure mounted this was my big chance to show my coaches I could do more than throw. The butterflies in my stomach were increasing by the second. As the third girl received the baton, I took my place on the track.

She was inching closer and closer. Her last 100 seemed to take a year. She had a strong lead. I could finish. I could win. I held out my arm- began to run. Tink, tink.... I dropped the baton. All hope was gone.

Afterwards my coach giggled, "just stick to throwing".

The Ghost

It was a sleepless July night. My friends and I wandered around the campsite, playing hackey sack and having harmless fun. We were camping at a fairground that we all showed horses at. I had shown earlier in the day and they had gone on their annual trip to a nearby gravesite. They always said it was haunted and would try to scare me with their stories.

I never believed them. I never believed in the supernatural at all. Soon that all would change.

We came out of the air conditioning. We were two hours past curfew and figured that we should try to sneak back before the park rangers caught us. We didn't make it far. But they were not concerned about us. They asked if we had seen two girls. When we said no, they asked us to help look.

Before we knew it there were about twenty people looking for these girls. Their parents were worried. We searched for about two hours- we looked in all the barns and in the normal teen hangouts. We searched the woods, even the closed down carnival. It was getting damp and late. We decided to head back.

We began to cross a foggy field. We heard a horse in the distance. It was running towards us. Thinking one of the horses had escaped we moved towards it. Soon a man on a horse appeared. One of the rangers asked him what he was doing it was nearly two in the morning. He took off. In the opposite direction. We began to chase him on foot. The two boys that were with us jumped a ditch to follow.

My girl friend and I waited in a field. As we watched our friends fade into the fog, the horse and man came from the opposite direction, and vanished just before they reached us.

The girls ended up being fine. There was a miscommunication about where they were staying. But my friends and I never stayed out that late again, and that was the last year we visited the grave site.

Stick to what you know...

I recently read portions of Stephen King's memoir "On Writing". He offers advice on writing while sharing his experiences. He touches on various elements of writing, including grammar and plot development. Perhaps his greatest point is about 'sticking to what you know'.


He explains that this is important in our vocabulary and while choosing what we right about. Trying to use big words to impress others, often does not work out well. Also, when writing on a subject the person should have a fair amount of knowledge about it. Writing on something unfamiliar to impress others, may ultimately have the opposite effect. Using a voice and vocabulary that is comfortable to us while writing about a familiar topic, allows us to draw reader's in that much more.



I believe that this is a often overlooked in writing. People sometimes write about topics that they do not know much about. This may discredit their writing. Repeated use of the thesaurus may cause the reader to disconnect. Losing one's voice while writing may distance the audience and discredit the author. King's advice to stick to what you know is a simple concept, but I feel that it is vital to many elements of an effective piece.

Dear Future Me,

I close my eyes and I see you in the distance. You are smiling. Your happiness draws me in. You look so peaceful. Rested. I move closer to you. You are forever fleeting.
The harder I push to get to you, to give you what I think you want, to share those smiles and laughs with you; the more you evade me.
I push and push. I let people down. I get distracted. I lose myself in others' wants and needs. I worry. I frown. I cry. But when I close my eyes you are there. You give me hope. You push me through.
I see you playing with Boo. You have minimal worries. You are comfortable, confident. It all seems so simple, your life. We never wanted fancy things, just balance.
I worry about letting everyone down, my greatest fear is letting you down. I hope your smile is a formulation of your reflection on time well spent. Knowing that we have done our absolute best in every situation. That even if we stumbled, we persisted. Resilience. It has always been our favorite characteristic.
Keep smiling for me. Please never lose heart. You give me so much hope. I have faith that I will find you. I will catch up. I promise I will do my best. It is all I have. I want to see the beauty that keeps you smiling. You will move on. But I know I will get to where you are. Please never lose that fire. Love yourself enough to never let go of our desire to make constant progress.

PS. I thought a definition might help:
Happiness-
I think that is what you have that I want. But I hope it looks more like this:





I'm sensing a theme. Thank you for your guidance, I think we shared that smile for a second. I'm off to get you a job. Wish us luck! Lots of Love,
Me